The Cynical Pinnacle

Just came back from a booze filled seven day all inclusive vacation from the Caribbean…  Now I took the time out of my busy schedual to talk about life down there and all that.  I talked to a guy that worked at my resort as an entertainer in the shows, parties and all that.  He went on to tell me that his life sucks and that I should be so happy to have the life that I do.  OK… he eats for free at the resort, he sleeps for free 7 out of 10 days, gets to stare at topless chicks all day, his job is to entertain the single tourist girls so they are not bored, he throws parties every day… and best of all… get this; in 90 degree sunshine all year round weather.  Now ok to be fair, I do have a 600K house, ahh sorry no I don’t, I OWE 550k on it… every year I pay taxes on the land that I think I own, but if I don’t pay taxes, I no longer own the land!  I have a car, which will now bleed me dry with high oil prices.  OK so I have a better paying job, but 30 percent goes to govt, 35 on mortgage and car, 10 on taxes, 15 on utilities, child support and cost of living…  so my 5 grand a month is suddenly 500 a month… wow I am a fucking slave… actually I would rather be a slave and not have the worry of payments and shit.  So you tell me who is better off now.  Listening to him bitch and moan is like listening to the recording artists bitch about not making enough money because of illegal downloading.  For fucks sake, not only am I a slave, but I have to shovel 3 feet  of snow every week in the winter time… fuck.  Its funny how they all think we are living the high life and shit and we got all this fancy stuff and life is so easy…. Ill trade places any day.

Would you invest your money into a business where your chances of losing are high? Would you invest in a business where you stand to make no money?  What about a business where the odds are highly on your side?

   Would it not make more sense to marry a women that is uglier than you, one that you know you can get better if you tried.  Trust me, she knows this too, you will have the upper hand. If you think she is better looking than you, you are probably right and hence you are fucked and on the road to failure.  Then there is men, like myself, who wed a girl equal to him in looks.  You might say, hey why are you complaining?  Let me tell you why.  Warren Buffett once said, “Consider yourself a batter at a baseball game, and investments are flying by you on the plate.  Do you hit every single ball thrown at you?  Of course not, you only want to pick the “best” investments.  Or the pitches that are easiest to hit.”  Now apply that to what I said above.  I am surely better off then the guy with the trophy wife, chances are she will have no respect for his ugly ass and be a cheating whore.  She is already using this theory, she has the upper hand.  I am like Switzerland, neutral with both of us knowing we can get nothing better.  Sure that is good in the sense for us collectively, but for me it is a shitty deal.  Would you ever make an investment in a business if you knew the chance of profit would be non-existent(like in an equal looking wife); or if you knew the odds were you would lose your money (like in the better looking wife scenario).  If I had found an uglier and more dependent wife, all the chips would be in my corner; thus I would have more leverage and do as I pleased.  Perhaps even get another “investment” for the weekend without worrying too much about the losses she would incur.  As with everything there is an exception.  Maybe you are one of the 1% that finds a hottie with low or no self esteem.  That is like buying Google stock when it fist came out, good for you; don’t inflate her ego or else you risk the loss of your investment.  Also, if you marry an ugly one, and somehow she becomes hot, your especially fucked.  You know the scorpion woman will throw her ass at any of the new found attention she was not used to getting before.  You will be thrown to the side quicker then yesterdays newspaper.  Get a lawyer before the she-devil frames you in some way and you end up in jail… writing cynical blogs from a cell.  I know I will forever be in a state or limbo, hoping my wife gets uglier before me.  That somehow, I will be like George Clooney, getting better as I age.  However unlikely that scenario probably is, one thing is for certain; my fate is still undecided.  If I had married an uglier chick, I would not worry myself to sleep every night.  She is ugly, and I am all she has got.  To be fair, there is a phenomenon called I am the shit in my own headin where an ugly girl falsely believes she is hot because she got good looking gentlemen in the past; this is akin to insider trading… where she has been lied too so someone could take advantage of her stupidity in some way, inflate her ego, and ruin her for the rest of us. Like a shitty company reporting false earnings and no losses. Tread lightly around these, if you expose the facts to her; she still may make a suitable ugly wife. I say don’t invest your time in these projects, let her break on her own, THEN pick up the pieces.  Don’t forget, everything still applies in the above that I said.  If you are good looking, you will find a good looking wife, the key here is UGLIER.  I am not saying go find a 240 lb rhino to be your wife… no.  They should never be allowed to breed.  I  am just saying the uglier the better, use your judgement.

I read an interesting article in the newspaper today… police are now using automated license plate scanners to scan vehicles as they drive, up to 90 per hour!  The system has a permanently scanning camera that recognizes the outline of a licence plate and runs the numbers through the system to check for:

• Stolen Vehicles
• Insurance Coverage
• Suspended licenses
• If your gay….

Now that is all fine and dandy, but what I found interesting is that this is being kept totally secret and under wraps the whole time.  They wont disclose which cars and where it is being used.  Now the dip shit sitting next to me automatically assumed, well it is so the bad guys don’t find out.  I wanted to grab the two marbles he called testicles; shove them up his nose, and add a little to the walnut size piece of brain already up there.  You think they need license plate recognition to reduce stolen cars or  keep tabs on the population?  Give it a few years, every new car will be equipped with G.P.S. and they will be able to track the movement of every car, every second with a unique VIN identifier.  Now I love when the populace falls for this shit… keeping tabs on the bad guys.  Well did you know the US government spends billions of dollars per year on installing cameras in every small and medium city in the United States.  And it surely doesn’t take a genius to see the thousands of cameras present in every major city… Another thing you probably didn’t know is that every human walks a distinct way, and whatever can discern license plates while driving can also discern human facial features while the human is walking, not to mention human walk patterns.  The only good that can come out of this is bad; privacy will be non-existent.  Big Brother will now be able to keep track of anyone while we are driving, and ultimately walking.  Every place, all the time.  You will be fined the second you move your car and your insurance is out, better pay the insurance!  You will also be fined for walking like a fag to the insurance place to buy the already inflated insurance (2007 record year for insurance companies ).  More then likely, your face and body will not be socially acceptable and you will be forced to move out in the wilderness or to Alaska…  You will be fined for speeding to your new shit hole in the bush because the G.P.S. can accurately measure and report the speed you are travelling at.  You will be sent an email telling you how and when you can pay.  Enjoy your life!

So the other weekend I was at a friends bachelor party, and we got two strippers to come to our hotel room for a little show.  They turned on the ipod, whipped out a black leather bag full of sex toys, laid down the felt blanket, and got a lesbian sex party going on the hotel floor.  I enjoyed the part where they were all over each other, sticking their tongues into every beautiful crack they had… mmmmm.  Back to the story.  Then came the part when they whipped old faithful out of the bag and demanded the ice bucket.  I was a little confused at first, but I complied, deeply excited about what was to come.  I filled it with half ice and then half water as requested.  They then took turns washing the massive dildo in the ice water before and after sticking it in all the right places. It didn’t clue in at first, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  How many times have I taken ice from the bucket that had no bag in it?? Was I oblivious enough to even notice the bag missing?  Was I drunk and didn’t even care, like I do every other countless time I’m drunk? Surely the maids must wash the bucket every time… my optimism immediately disappeared as the truth became clear.  Yes, more then likely, I stuck ass cubes into my drink at one point or another.  So next time you see that black pleather coated plastic bucket at the Sheraton, remember never to store ice in it again. 

Now I know Xbox live is no place for a married and older man (i am 25 btw), I should be on an online stock trading site losing my shirt instead.  Yet once in a while, I cant stop my self from picking up the controller and giving all those feminine sounding 12 year olds a go at it.   Now I don’t mind losing a game or two when the tables are square, but when your playing doubles, your not doing too shit hot, and the opposition is using every and hiding spot available on narrows (the level) and every little cheat just to win…. and he has that nerve at the end to call me a fag and a loser because I couldn’t kill him even with a two on one advantage.  Well, I propose a business idea.  A Halo 3 reality show where two rooms face each other and the two teams go in each room to play, at the end of the game, the opponents come out and meet face to face.  Then, my friends, we will see how much shit this 14 year old will talk when he sees a 210lb perfectly fit and huge scary looking specimen of a man that I am.  Until then, cower behind your controller and mouth piece you little shit.  Ill remember that voice and maybe one day in my travels I will hear it, and ill give a beating your parents forgot to instill…

Here is a prime example of why I am so damn negative all the time… talk about a bad day.  First off, business wasn’t as shit hot as I hoped, lost out on a big deal.  Second, I had to pay a shitload of money for this car I wrote off driving home pissed hammered the other week.  Thirdly, I figured out that my Ex-Mistress is dating again.  Fuck… then just as I was about to settle in for a nice hot shower before I went to bed, my wife, having showered earlier; had the shower head tilted in an awkward direction.  So just as I turn the shower on, I get an ice cold blast of water straight to the balls.  Talk about throwing salt in my wound…. Now I am off to bed so we can look at our wedding pictures…. please kill me. 

Lately I have been receiving a lot of heat from my wife for taking the laptop into the shitter with me.  Usually its the daily newspaper (comes in handy when you run out of T.P.) or a Stuff magazine, but lately I found it more interesting just to take my laptop in.  You can play games, surf the web, chat with your friends, facebook it, pretty much stay occupied for hours.  Now the problem is that my wife is convinced that I am viewing porn instead.  I discussed this problem with a few colleagues and I was surprised to hear that they too opt for the laptop in the shitter.  I was surprised that we never brought the subject up before and we commenced to discuss that, as a matter of fact, they do browse pornography while doing business.  This made me think because I seemed to be the only one that didn’t browse porn, rather I had a problem with doing it while I was on the throne.  It is a sensitive area for me, like never in high school have I taken a dump in the public washrooms.  I have skipped tests and classes just to drive home and take a dump… sounds like a personal problem to me.  What do you guys think….

 US oil consumption is roughly 20 million barrels per day…  So on Earth Hour the US will consume 833 300 barrels of oil….  or 35 000 000 gallons. 

 2.4 acres of rain-forest is depleted every second… that’s two football fields.  So on Earth Hour, 8950 acres of rain-forest will be bulldozed. 

Experts estimate that 137 unique species will go extinct today because of rain-forest deforestation.

So during Earth Hour, approximately 6 species will go extinct.

The United States is the largest energy consumer in terms of total use, using 100 quadrillion BTU(105 exajoules, or 29000 TWh) in 2005, equivalent to an (average) consumption rate of 3.3 TW. The U.S. ranks seventh in energy consumption per-capita after Canada and a number of small countries.^[1][2] The majority of this energy is derived from fossil fuels: in 2005, it was estimated that 40% of the nation’s energy came from petroleum, 23% from coal, and 23% from natural gas. The remaining 14% was supplied by nuclear power, hydroelectric dams, and miscellaneous renewable energy sources.^[3] 

-http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Energy_use_in_the_United_States

So what do we know…

-Fossil fuels are depleted at a rate of 100,000 times faster then they are formed

-Only 14 percent of total US energy consumption comes from renewable resources….

Well then, instead of bitching about it and turning our lights off for one hour which only delays the inevitable.  Now it will be an hour longer before oil runs out!  How about we take that hour, rally to our nearest government office, and apply some pressure to our famously greed driven government to actually invest some(our tax) money into projects that encourage renewable energy sources….  Instead of investing money in a war so they can rape us at the pump.  If we invested 100 billion per year (the cost of the Iraqi war) into energy projects, we would have nuclear fusion right now.  Or…. how about you take a caulking gun, some insulation, and use that hour to go through your house and seal off drafts, change the filament type light bulbs to the energy effiecient bulbs perhaps… Or maybe you can call Bush and ask him, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ELECTRIC CAR ASSHOLE… I don’t know about you, but I don’t have 100 dollar bills burning a hole in my pocket, and gasoline costs more annually then I paid for my P.O.S. car in the first place…  too bad we have the technology, but not the brains to use it… I love how people fall for this environmental shit, reduce our carbon footprint…. we shouldn’t even have a carbon footprint in the first place!  Reminds me of when my cat takes a shit, then spends five minutes covering it up…  Turn off your lights for an hour, then jump into your 5000kg SUV, go to your cabin, and drive around your 300hp motor boat.

Fat girls give good head…. We work harder to keep our men. Fat girls always swallow
- Excerpt from Eve Ensler’s The Good Body (Vagina Monologues)

 I went out drinking one night, boys trip actually.  To this lakeside city, Chelan in Washington.  We got bottles of grey goose and started with some healthy pre-drinking almost as soon as our cars pulled into the driveway.  We went to this dingy bar that had a live rock band playing all the old favorites, which sets your liver up for a week of hurt.  Well that night I was in a particularly self destructive mode and decided that I would just get plastered beyond all belief.  Turns out I am pretty picky, while some of my other friends, are not.  Long story short, they end up taking home a few ladies that I wouldn’t touch with their cocks, let alone my own.  Besides weighing in somewhere in the vicinity of welter weight class, they didn’t even have the cute fat-girl face that you see sometimes on chubby chicks.   Anyways, I was way too plastered to even care or give a shit.  So back we went to the cabin that we rented, and I continued hitting the drinks on my own on the couch until I stopped remembering.   Now when I came back to reality, I  looked down at the half empty, warm vodka drink I was still hugging. I remember the sun beating down on my chest through the open bay window, and I remember having the worst acid taste in my mouth.  I noticed my pants down to my ankles and a fatty stuffing my morning wood into her mouth.  Now I kind of let out a startled gasp, and she noticed I was up.  She knew she had her 10 seconds to show me what she had, kind of like a blow-job version of American Idol…. What was I supposed to do, push her off and yell “NO”?  I then put both hands behind my head, settled in, and got the best head ever… Now I don’t know if it was the sun, the booze still strong in my system, or the fact that I was getting raped that I liked… All I know, is that the legend is true; bag it and tag it gentlemen…..

OK so let me get this straight, the second biggest banking and investments firm in the United States becomes insolvent, and the heroes Morgan Chase come to the rescue.  At first they struck a deal to purchase the company at roughly two dollars per share, approximately 230 000 000 dollars.  The corporate building itself is worth over a billion not to mention any other assets that  are being handed over.  Now suddenly, Morgan Chase is doing the noble thing by paying upwards of ten dollars per share(even though it does not have too) to sweeten the deal for investors(which are complaining since they paid 140 per share a year ago).  What the fuck did you guys think, that we wouldn’t complain?  Still though, I mean come on people, that is like when they raise oil prices (apparently for this and that reason- like I believe the bullshit CNN is spoon-feeding us)  to 3.50 and then drop it back to 3.30 a gallon.  People rush to the pump to get a good deal.  Cynical News Network says: your still getting fucked!!! It was 2.75 six months ago!!!  Use that analogy in the above example, no matter how you flip it, the investors are still getting fucked.  So much for competitiveness in the national banking sector.  I feel the new world order coming, and I don’t mean WWE.  I mean WWIII.  What do I say, as an investor I would rather watch Bear Stearns go under and call it a day, other smaller banks could then perhaps get in on a piece of the pie; rather then give it all to those war hungry elitists.  War in Iraq, 100 billion per year… have fun paying your income tax this year; the three months you work every year, most of it will go into the bankers hands. WAR = Profit.